Out of the mist...

The alarm clock goes off early pulling me out of a deep dream and into the cold morning. After a few minutes of snuggling with my husband, I face the day by stumbling into the next room. As usual, I go to the window and look out at the gray winter Kiev sights. Where I can usually look across the Dneiper River to see Rodina Mat, the huge statue that "protects the city" and the beautiful Orthodox Church, I only see a very heavy mist. I can't even see the ice-covered river. I can barely see the Venetsia, YWAM Kiev's houseboat, the mist is so thick.

I study the mist over the river for a few minutes and slowly, I see them. Dark forms emerging out of the clouds. There they are. The eternal ice fishermen. Greedy for fish and disregarding the melting ice, thick fog, and drizzling morning rain, these men sit out there all day. They're the main constant in our lives these days. Any time you look out the window, rain or shine, morning to night, there they are. And it seems, the thinner the ice gets, the more of them flock to the sport, and they gather in tighter groups as if just to tempt the ice to break. I don't understand it, but I don't think they understand either, since they're so warmed by their ever present vodka. But you don't have to understand it, you just smile and nod.

Lesson learning...one more time

Well, interesting is one word for the last few weeks. Torben has had bronchitis and was inside for 11 days straight...not a good time. I was only sick for a part of that time, but spent much of the rest of it hibernating with him. Yuck. But all is well now health wise. He's not up all night coughing any more and we're not going stir crazy in our little apartment!

But I think I've begun to realize that I'm in the midst of learning something big. It's been a rough few weeks for me, culture shock and major league doubting whether we're in the right place, wondering why I don't feel excited about things, wondering why God feels so far away. Just basically wondering and being pretty miserable.

A few days ago, I was getting more and more frustrated. Not understanding anything, the internet at the base wouldn't work (not an unusual occurence), and my husband was sick and grumpy. I went home and climbed into bed and pulled the covers over my head, hoping that somehow the world would just disappear. It didn't, but I started to see some things clearer. I was only looking at the dark and frustrating sides of life. Only looking at the DTS through negative eyes. Only looking at Kiev through negative eyes. And being a naturally melancholy person, I do that a lot.

Then, yesterday was church. The pastor was talking about keeping Jesus as supreme in our lives and I realized that I was keeping my feelings as supreme. My feelings of culture shock and insecurity were running me, not my desire to serve Jesus. I also read an email from a very wise friend who reminded me that it's often in the dark times that we're closest to God, even though we can't feel it. And I suppose it's true. I've been crying out a lot to God, even though it has felt like his only answer has been silence. But maybe in my dwelling in melancholia, I haven't been able to hear him even if he was trying to speak to me.

I can't say that I've got it all figured out. And I still tend to dwell in the negative when I should be looking for positive. But I'm learning. I want to have Jesus as supreme in my life. I'm really far from being perfect (another thing I've seen a lot these weeks) and as a perfectionist, that drives me crazy, but I really truly want to have a passionate relationship with God. It will probably take me a long time to learn this lesson over and over about the supremacy of Christ in my life, but the important thing is that I'm learning.

Ivan

This little guy totally stole my heart. I went to the orphan hospital a few days ago with a ministry from our base called Mother's Care. There are lots of babies there with lots of different diseases. Some have physical deformities, some have severe Down's Syndrome, some just have simple colds.

This baby's name is Ivan. He's five months old and is here in the hospital with a pretty bad cold. I picked him up and just held him and talked to him. He was just so adorable and little and so cute! As I played with him, I noticed that he also had a cast on his leg. I have no idea how a baby this little broke his leg.

There's nothing very serious wrong with Ivan, but as I held him, I began to think about his situation. My mom just sent me some pictures of my new little nephews, Lane and Olly. They're just adorable! But as I held Ivan, I thought of the difference between him and my nephews. Lane and Olly have parents who would do anything for them. They have grandparents and plenty of aunts and uncles that would take care of them if anything happened to their parents. Lane and Olly have nothing to worry about. But Ivan has no one. I come into the hospital and the people from Mother's Care come to the orphanages and hold him for a few hours and play with him, but we put him down and go home. We try to help and pour as much love into him as possible, but we're not his parents. He has no one who cares about him. It hurt my heart so much.

Of course I can't save everyone. Even if some wonderful family adopts Ivan, there are thousands like him, and most of them even have physical barriers to having a fully functional life. I'm not trying to be all bleeding heart, but it's something that is heavy on the mind these days. It's such an eye-opening experience to go there and see these babies.

Here we are!

Hey!

I figured out how to put pictures on my blog! Cool! Actually, Torben showed me how, but close enough.

So this is us a few weeks ago at the Riis Jensen home in Denmark for Christmas!

A glimpse of the future...

Hello!

I have received a glimpse into my future. (kind of). This week, there has been a Writer's Seminar here at the base, so I've been learning all sorts of things about writing techniques and all of that. There have been a lot of non-YWAMers here and two of them made me see what life may look like for me years down the road. A Danish man who is a missionary in Hungary came up to Kiev for this seminar with his sixteen year old daughter, Elizabeth. Not a very Danish name, I noticed, so I commented on it. Lo and behold, her mother is American! Torben and I have met our first other Danish-American couple and I got a glimpse of what my children may look a bit like someday.
I have to admit, I was a bit surprised. Oh, she's beautiful, but everything about her is Danish. Bright blue eyes, high cheekbones, even the way she dresses! She looks like a Dane! Which is perfectly all right, wonderful! Danish people are lovely. But, she's half American and doesn't look it at all!! She actually looks very similar to one of Torben's friends in Copenhagen. I commented to her father about how Danish she looks and he laughed, saying that the younger daughter looks exactly like her mother, so maybe I have some hope of the American genes coming through :)
But seriously, this Writer's Seminar has been so cool. I've learned a whole lot about writing, but also from personal conversations with the speaker, Janice Rogers. She is one of the YWAM "head honchos". Her brother is Loren Cunningham, who started YWAM, so she's been a part of it from the beginning. So, I was a little intimidated at first, since she's one of those power women. But, she's very real and down to earth, so I've been able to talk to her about life in missions, leading DTS's, etc. It's been really cool.

Oh, by the way, Torben has a new blog (in English now!) Check it out! www.torbenriisjensen.blogspot.com

Toodles!