Lesson learning...one more time

Well, interesting is one word for the last few weeks. Torben has had bronchitis and was inside for 11 days straight...not a good time. I was only sick for a part of that time, but spent much of the rest of it hibernating with him. Yuck. But all is well now health wise. He's not up all night coughing any more and we're not going stir crazy in our little apartment!

But I think I've begun to realize that I'm in the midst of learning something big. It's been a rough few weeks for me, culture shock and major league doubting whether we're in the right place, wondering why I don't feel excited about things, wondering why God feels so far away. Just basically wondering and being pretty miserable.

A few days ago, I was getting more and more frustrated. Not understanding anything, the internet at the base wouldn't work (not an unusual occurence), and my husband was sick and grumpy. I went home and climbed into bed and pulled the covers over my head, hoping that somehow the world would just disappear. It didn't, but I started to see some things clearer. I was only looking at the dark and frustrating sides of life. Only looking at the DTS through negative eyes. Only looking at Kiev through negative eyes. And being a naturally melancholy person, I do that a lot.

Then, yesterday was church. The pastor was talking about keeping Jesus as supreme in our lives and I realized that I was keeping my feelings as supreme. My feelings of culture shock and insecurity were running me, not my desire to serve Jesus. I also read an email from a very wise friend who reminded me that it's often in the dark times that we're closest to God, even though we can't feel it. And I suppose it's true. I've been crying out a lot to God, even though it has felt like his only answer has been silence. But maybe in my dwelling in melancholia, I haven't been able to hear him even if he was trying to speak to me.

I can't say that I've got it all figured out. And I still tend to dwell in the negative when I should be looking for positive. But I'm learning. I want to have Jesus as supreme in my life. I'm really far from being perfect (another thing I've seen a lot these weeks) and as a perfectionist, that drives me crazy, but I really truly want to have a passionate relationship with God. It will probably take me a long time to learn this lesson over and over about the supremacy of Christ in my life, but the important thing is that I'm learning.